Heidi Turner Sells Lamp Oil 3: Poop-pocalypse!
by MorningStorm666
Summary: By request, here is another sequel to Heidi Turner Sells Lamp Oil. It's more poop humor, plus a small amount of romance between Heidi and Kyle.


Heidi Turner was a fucking genius and everybody knew it. First, South Park underwent a power outage. Then Heidi Turner had the currency system changed from dollars to human feces. Then, she started her very own lamp oil shop to sell lamp oil in exchange for feces. Then she ended poverty by giving poor people laxatives so that no one would ever have to worry about shitting out enough money to have a decent standard of living. As a result of all her effort, Heidi was filthy stinking rich (literally, since feces are money). But one problem remained. Where would Heidi store her mountains of rancid, smelly wealth?

Heidi decided to put out an ad to the entire town. Whoever could find her a place to store all of her wealth would receive ten thousand pounds of feces, a very gracious sum of money. However, as usual, Eric Cartman was plotting to get revenge on Heidi for pointing a gun at him when he tried to trick her by paying her manure. Cartman knew he needed help with his scheme, so he went to the person he knew would help him get revenge on Heidi.

"Butters," Cartman said to get his accomplice's attention.

"What, Eric?" Butters responded with his usual confusion.

"How would you like to help me knock that bitch Heidi Turner down a peg or seven?"

"Gee, Eric, why would you wanna do that? Heidi is the greatest entrepreneur of our time."

"No, she's a goddamn asshole, Butters, she thinks she's better than everyone else! Now will you help me or not?"

"Well, I guess," Butters hesitantly agreed, "If you think she's really a bad person."

"Now here's the plan," Cartman began, "Heidi Turner recently put out an ad to everyone in town asking to have a place where she could store all her fecal wealth." Cartman then pulled out a map of South Park and continued "If you look here, slightly north of our town, there is a volcano called Mt. Burpistola. It is an active volcano, but we are going to tell Heidi that it is inactive and that she can store all her fecal wealth inside of it. Not only will we gain a chunk of her wealth when she pays us ten thousand pounds of feces, but when the volcano erupts, Heidi will lose all her money! Now, Butters, all I need you to do is sell the location to Heidi since she'd never trust me."

Butters reluctantly agreed to help out with Cartman's scheme as usual. He went over to Heidi Turner's house and rang her doorbell. Heidi answered the door.

"Oh, Butters, what do you want?"

"I'm here to answer your add for a place to store your poop money."

"Oh really? Where?"

"Follow me."

Heidi followed Butters to the volcano Cartman had told him about and began to tell her about it.

"Well, Heidi, this is Mt. Burpistola, it's an inactive volcano. It can hold many tons of feces and you can bet that you'll never run out of space to store your money," Butters explained.

"Well, I'm sold," Heidi replied, satisfied, "I'll write you a check for ten thousand turds, just like I promised in the ad."

Heidi wrote Butters the check and headed home to tell everyone the good news, that she finally had a place to store her fecal money. No longer would melting feces leak out of the massive safe she had in her office at the lamp oil shop.

As Heidi was walking happily home, she spotted Kyle, whom she had had a crush on for a substantial period of time. He was, after all, the first customer who had ever set foot and made a purchase in her lamp oil shop.

"Hey Kyle," Heidi said flirtatiously, "Guess what? I took a _huge_ dump last night. Wanna see it? I'll let you touch it."

"Maybe some other time," Kyle replied, somewhat disinterested.

Heidi sighed. She was never able to impress Kyle, no matter how big of a dump she took. She guessed he just didn't care.

"Well, I finally found a place to store all my fecal wealth," Heidi said, engaging Kyle in a more casual conversation.

"Oh really, where?" he asked, mildly interested.

"Mt. Burpistola," Heidi answered.

Kyle looked alarmed.

"Heidi, that's an active volcano, you're going to lose all your money when it erupts and the entire town is covered in poo!"

"Butters told me it was inactive!"

"What are we going to do?" Kyle said, visibly anxious.

"Never fear," Heidi said, "I am an inventor in my free time and carry my trusty volcano deactivating gun at all times!"

Heidi pulled the volcano deactivating gun out of her pocket, aimed it at Mt. Burpistola in the distance and fired.

"And presto, Mt. Burpistola is now inactive and we have nothing to worry about! Impressive, huh?" Heidi said trying to impress Kyle again, but once again he didn't seem romantically interested in her, replying with a simple "Yeah."

Heidi was disappointed, but at the moment she had other matters to attend to.

"Why would Butters lie to me about the activeness of the volcano? I gotta get to the bottom of this! Later Kyle," She said goodbye to him and made her way to Butters house, ringing the doorbell.

Butters answered, "Oh, hey Heidi."

Heidi grabbed Butters and pinned him against a wall, "You son of a bitch, I nearly lost all my money because of you! That volcano was ACTIVE, before I deactivated it."

"Please don't hurt me Heidi, Eric Cartman made me do it," Butters squealed, "I always respected you, but he said you were bad."

Heidi relinquished her grip on Butters.

"I should have known," Heidi said, "Butters, since I deactivated the volcano and I DO have a place to store my money now, you can keep the check for ten thousand turds that I wrote you, provided that fatass doesn't get any."

Butters agreed and Heidi stormed off to confront Eric Cartman. When she reached his house, she roundhouse kicked his door down for like the tenth time that week.

"Goddamn it Heidi, my mom can't afford to keep replacing our door, stop kickin' it down," Cartman yelled at her.

"Shut up, fatass," Heidi yelled back, "Stop trying to fuck with me and make me lose my money!"

"Not a chance," Cartman said, "Until you give me a chance to get some of those lamp oil profits of yours."

"Alright," Heidi said, "Let's make a bet. Let's see which of us can chug a gallon of lamp oil faster! You win, you get fifty-five percent of my lamp oil profits! I win, you leave town, forever. You get banished."

"You're on," Cartman said, "This'll be easy, you're a chick. What makes you think you can out-chug a man in any drinking contest."

"You're no man, fatass," Heidi retorted, "Tonight, in my lamp oil shop, in front of everyone in town, we'll have this contest."

"I'll be there!"

That night the whole town gathered at Heidi's lamp oil shop to witness the lamp oil chugging contest. A gallon sized carton of lamp oil was sat in front of Heidi and Cartman. Heidi was able to chug her's entirely in twenty seconds. Cartman lost, having only finished about two thirds of his gallon of lamp oil. Afterwards, the townspeople tied Cartman to the back of a horse and banished him as he was carried off cursing Heidi's name.

As Heidi watched Cartman being carried off into the black night on horseback while screaming, savoring her accomplishment, she was approached by Kyle.

"Hey Heidi," Kyle said, getting her attention.

"Oh, hey Kyle," Heidi said nervously to her crush.

"I think it's pretty cool how you got fatass banished," Kyle began, "Would you… Would you go out with me sometime?"

Heidi gasped with excitement.

"Yes, Kyle!" she replied eagerly.

"Oh and that huge dump you were talking about earlier," Kyle said to Heidi, "Well next time you take a huge dump, it would be an honor and a privilege to see it."

"Maybe we can take a huge dump together sometime," Heidi said flirtatiously, "And mix our poo together afterwards."

"I think I'd like that," Kyle said leaning in closer to Heidi's face.

Kyle and Heidi shared a passionate kiss. He could taste the lamp oil she had just chugged on her lips and he loved it. The End.


End file.
